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| J'S STORY OF LIGHT |
When Cindy asked me if I would be willing to share my “story” during the burning bowl ceremony, I told her I would be honored to. And I am.
Not knowing exactly what it was that I was going to be guided to share with all of you, I found myself reliving the past year of my life and looking at all the miracles that were lovingly given to me. Just the simple act of reflecting over the year brought such love and gratitude into my heart that I experienced a whole new healing in the process.
My journey and my story has been one of coming home. We are all on a journey of coming home, but for me, there was a pinnacle moment, Cindy referred to it one Sunday as the “chaos point”. I suspect it leads us into the wilderness where everything we’ve taken for granted is suddenly undone right before our eyes. The moment where we either look up and ask for help or we fall in and drown.
My “moment” came in October, 2005 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Within hours of receiving the diagnosis over the phone, as frightening and surreal as it was, I had this awesome feeling that somehow, this moment was one I had been waiting for all my life. A moment I had feared and expected all at the same time. I knew I was stepping onto a path which would test me in ways I could not even imagine.
“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.”
I was surrounded by the love and support of my family and friends who, while they did not have any answers for me, were very vocal about supporting me no matter what I chose to do. They are a loving and powerful group of people but they were standing over there ---- while I was floundering in the dark right here.
It did not take long for me to realize that this creation of mine was much bigger than I could clean up on my own. There were doctors and nurses and specialists explaining to me what was going to happen after surgery and what would happen if this occurred and what would happen if that occurred and everyone was moving at lightening speed. There was no time to think, no time to weigh and consider options, no time to breathe. Everything had to be done immediately. And of course, covered in fear and looking at white lab coats speaking with confidence
about how things were going to be, one can easily be lead down a path which is not necessarily the right path for one to follow.
The darkness and fear were terrifying and the nights were the longest I have ever known — but somehow my guides and teachers were able to get the message through to me – find Cindy and Patrick — and Inner Quest — again.
I had been absent from Inner Quest for more than 10 years, but I picked up the phone and called — because I knew I needed the strength and love and guidance and wisdom that is so lovingly embodied in these two souls and in the light beings that gather here at Inner Quest. And I want to say Thank You. I want to hold you all in my arms and tell you how much you mean to me. How much I love you and how honored I am to be traveling through time and space with you. Your light and your love shine forth like a beacon in the darkness — sending a message of hope and love to all those who are lost and afraid. I know. I was one of them. And to those special beings of light that work the Reiki train, there truly are no words to tell you how much I love you. I hope, however, you can feel it.
Cindy and Patrick embraced me without hesitation and soon I was set up with a weekly healing schedule which is still in place today (Yeah God!)
The healing sessions didn’t magically lift me off the path I was walking through this valley, but they did lift the confusion and fear enough – so that I could hear and see guidance and wisdom when it was being given to me. Like the afternoon a few weeks after surgery when I walked in for a session with Patrick. The doctors, were eager for me to get on board with the traditional courses of “therapy” but I was doing a bit of foot dragging. I was waiting for the results of my first body scan to see if the cancer had spread to any other part of my body. The stress of waiting for results is almost unbearable. Cindy asked me what was happening and I told her I was waiting for the results to come back and that after they did, the doctors wanted to begin chemotherapy immediately. She looked at me and turned her head to the side and said “make sure they know what they’re going after.”
What? “Make sure they’re going after something that’s actually there.” What? Roger had said the same thing to me just the day before. If the scan came back clean, why were they going to do chemo? What would they be going after?
All of a sudden I got it. I knew my guides and teachers were trying to make me stop and think about what was actually just about to be set in motion. You mean I have a CHOICE?
From that moment I knew I was being guided along this path. I knew that if I could just stop and...what’s that word? BREATHE?...the answers that were right for me, would come.
When the scan came back clean on Thanksgiving Eve...YEA GOD ... I informed my doctors that I would not be making any decisions about additional therapies until after the New Year. I CHOSE to have a joy-filled, loving holiday season with my family and friends.
That Christmas Eve I was in bed reading one of the volumes of the Life and Teachings when all of a sudden I heard the still small voice speak to me. I knew I was hearing the voice of God: “It does not matter what path you chose, they both lead to the same place. You will be fine. One path is physically demanding. The other is spiritually demanding.” And I remember the sense of relief I felt in knowing that no matter what I chose, I really would be okay. It was a Christmas gift from my Father.
I am reminded of a line in the Robert Frost poem The Road Not Taken : “Two paths diverged in a wood and I chose the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference.”
Why was the spiritual path described as demanding? Because it was going to require that I stand up and face the conventional medical community who wanted so desperately for me to just get in line and FOLLOW the way it’s always been
done. They do not particularly like non-conformists....but we have found a way to work together.
I felt at times like I was standing on ice that was cracking all around me. The core problem had presumably been taken care of and I was on a healing regimen so why and where did all the doubt come from? That still small voice can be awfully quiet at times!
I could sense something wasn’t right but I couldn’t identify what it was.
Isn’t it funny that while you’re walking through this stuff you can’t see anything clearly but once you’re through it, it all makes perfect sense? That part of the spiritual path makes me crazy :)
Anyway, in May I went in for my 6 month check up and there it was. Again. I won’t lie to you. I was devastated. What unconscious misery had I set up for myself and how in the world could I change it? I drove to IQ and just sat in the meditation garden and stared into the sky. What if it couldn’t BE changed? What if THIS was how it was “supposed” to be? What if I’d chosen this? After a while I walked in and just laid down on the crystal table and cried. Patrick worked with his guides and teachers to help me remove the paralyzing fear. Just before we began, Cindy looked at me and said softly, “This is just a moment. Remember who you are. This is just a moment.” And as the session began, I heard that still small voice again. The words were very clear “Is radiation a possibility for you?”
Although I’d had a peaceful night of sleep, thanks to the session with Patrick, the next morning I fell back into fear and panic and was unable to go to work. I called Cindy and we met at the church. I remember crying and holding her hand and confessing “I don’t want this to be my exit strategy.” In that loving way she has about her, she looked into my eyes and asked “Will you stay and do what you’ve come to do, even if you don’t know what that is right now?” YES, I said, and then I closed my eyes and prayed : “Father, I want to stay here and do whatever I have come to do. I will follow where you lead.”
The surgery was successful and afterward my doctor asked me in the most gentle way possible if I would be willing to consider “limited” radiation therapy which was an option available only to women who had smaller more localized tumors than I did. He said, it wasn’t standard treatment but under the circumstances he’d rather I have SOME rather than none at all. I said I would be willing to consider it and that I would let him know. All the way home I smiled and thanked God over and over again for the message and the direction.
A few days before the radiation began in August, I had another body scan, 9 months after the first one and when it came back clean, there was nothing in our hearts and minds but love and gratitude, joy and laughter.
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